Being Invisible

invisible1Invisibility really sucks, whoever said they wanted it as a superpower has no idea the trouble and heartache it brings. I’ve had this superpower all my life. When I was a kid, I was the child to be seen and not heard, I was the submissive child.  This lead to the start of my “superpower”  no one noticed me. No one noticed, if I stayed outside too long or if I stayed home alone too long. I was a latch-key kid back then.  No one noticed if they hurt my feelings. I learned to never speak up, never to talk back, never to argue.  When you do that no one notices how disappointed you can be when gifts are taken back, or no one is invited to a birthday party, or no one comes to one.

As a teenager, this continued, because after all, you still live in your parents household and must obey the rules, but  I had that super power. They didn’t notice me growing bolder.  I was told not to ever wear makeup. I did.  They didn’t notice.  I was told not to date until I was 16, well, I didn’t officially date until then.  But I did have a boyfriend, just waiting for that birthday, my parents didn’t notice.  He was over 20 years old.  OH MY!

As a young adult, my power grew even stronger in good and bad ways.  I was invisible to the social crowds, no one really noticed the shy girl who didn’t speak up much, but I had dates waiting for me as soon as I got home from one, another was waiting to take me out. But these dates knew I had a voice, they knew I was not invisible to them.  They knew I knew how to say “no” and it frustrated the hell out of them. However, I really did crave to be in with the “in-crowd” to go to the popular places and be with a group of people. It just never happened.  I became a loner as well as invisible.

Later marriage came for me, invisibility didn’t go away, as you might think. NO.. I seemed to become even more invisible. Ignored, forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, pleasantries, and conversations, even common courtesies.  He didn’t see how me being invisible was making me grow stronger and more independent.  He didn’t see just how strong I was when we separated. “You’ll never make it on your own.”  Guess again, sucker. I did and more than you’ll ever know.

invisibleillnessimagesInvisibility though has still been a super power of mine, even though I am still a loner and do yet yearn for a more active social life. I seem to be invisible to people I care about because they don’t realize how important they are to me, they don’t realize I do need interaction with them. And now added to this superpower of invisibility, is the most super of all invisibility, the invisible illness that plagues me. Fibromyalgia and celiac.  Aren’t we just increasing in power, actually, however, although all of this may seem to be the downside of invisibility.  It has also been what has given me strength to become who I am today.I am stronger, I have researched my illness, I have taken steps to overcome and live with passion. I honestly believe that a person never truly knows what they are capable of doing until they go through crisis and trial. It’s like creating that sword with fire. I have turned out to have a very sharp side to me.

The upside to being invisible at my age now, 67.  Well, let me say this.  No one, ever expects me to have the love life I have, I’m very “innocent” you see, that’s invisible.  No one, expects me to have the energy I have and I surprise everyone with the stamina and determination I have to succeed and accomplish what I need to accomplish in life.   No one sees the old lady traveling by herself, so they leave me alone to enjoy the sights, sounds, food and people watching.

Invisibility? Actually, it’s not a power I’d ask for, I’m learning to become more visible with age and wisdom. It hasn’t been an easy journey and I think I will probably always struggle with it.  I can imagine two things happening as I get older.  Either I will become totally invisible to everyone if I give in to the depression and the melancholy or I am going to be one hell of an outrageous old lady who doesn’t give a damn what I say.  Personally, I’m striving to be the latter, because, after all, who cares, I’m an old lady. I’m entitled. 

 

 

 

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